In Which the Cullens Go to the Beach
by AlohaFox
Summary: Rip tides, hot bodies, and boxing matches with tanned old ladies. What else comes next for Bella as she tags along with the Cullens on their family vacation?
1. Vamp in Hawaiian Swim Trucks

**In Which the Cullens Go to the Beach**

By AlohaFox and Ame Warashi

"Come on, Bella! We're going to miss the winds!" Alice called to the human girl, waving her colorful dragonfly kite in her hands. It was almost as big as she was, maybe even bigger. Bella hoped it wouldn't make her fly off into the distance.

"We won't, Alice, relax," Emmett called in reply, his own butterfly kite strapped over his shoulders. It was huge and pink, much to Bella's dismay. But then, butterflies seemed to fit, and all of its pinkness.

"C'mon, Carlisle. Why don't you fly kites?" Bella asked the doctor, hoping she wasn't the only one who wasn't exactly excited about flying flimsy instruments of flight.

"…" He was nonchalantly reading a novel that Bella would never think of a relaxing book, as it was monstrous in its size and probably worth its weight in big words.

"He's _concentrating_ again," Emmett sighed. "Why does he always have to do that?"

Rosalie, in her rhinestone-d kite, shrugged. "Because he can," she decided aloud. "Hurry up, sweetheart…we're going to miss everything, like Alice said."

Emmett nodded, and hastily wrapped an arm around her perfectly sculpted waist, like he was doing her a duty by NOT flirting with every girl on the beach, and they all started out, following Alice – who was skipping and singing, "Ice cream, ice cream, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate ice cream! NACHOS AND CHEESE PILED UP SO HIIIGH!"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Emmett, get that kite out of my face," Jasper muttered.

"Jasper, have some fun!" Alice cheered, trying to pull him away from his laptop.

Emmett's kite crashed into Jasper once again. "That's it!" Jasper pulled out some scissors. He had mentioned to Bella before that they were essential when going to the beach with his family.

"Jasper…what are you doing?" Emmett asked warily, beginning to pull his kite in. "Jasper…"

_Snap_. The kite string snapped in half.

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!!!!!!!!!"

"Looks like they're having fun," Esme commented.

"Um-hmm," Bella agreed as she watched Emmett sink to his knees, sobbing uncontrollably, trying to re-attach the broken strings by mashing them together again and again, like a small child.

Bella snuggled up against Edward's knees as he laid his hands on her shoulders, chuckling. So often it was that Jasper and Emmett's sibling rivalry became the family's entertainment.

Jasper smiled with satisfaction, tucked the scissors back into his pocket like it was a revolver, and went back to his laptop like nothing happened. Emmett was still sobbing, but Alice was still flying her kite.

"FLY, MY PRETTY! FLYYY!" she shrieked joyously.

"Bella," Esme called, "Come walk with me." She was standing on the shoreline where the tide came in. Edward concluded that it would be safe; they would be walking far enough from the waves.

"So, are you having fun so far?" Esme asked, grinning her usual beautiful smile.

"Absolutely!" Bella replied enthusiastically.

Bella was the one standing closer to the water, and apparently didn't hear Jasper's warning about the high tide…

"OHMYGOD!" Edward yelped as Bella fell ungraciously into the water as the wave hit her full-on. He rushed over to her faster than she could scream for help and pulled her out, cradling her like a child. Well, she was pretty light compared to him. And he had that superhuman strength…

"ARE YOU OKAY?!" he practically screamed in her ear.

"I'm _wet_," Bella replied, wincing from the power of his voice in her ears. "I'm wet, but I'm okay. Stop worrying so much about me all the time, will you?"

"But, Bella…" Edward trailed off as she untangled herself from him…slightly. She was still close enough for him to wrap his arms around her. "I love you."

Bella chuckled a little. "I know you do, and I love you too, but you shouldn't be worried about me just because a wave knocked me over."

"Aww, has Eddie saved his dear love from her eminent doom yet again?" Emmett called from afar.

"Shut up, you…" Edward began, but stopped himself when he realized that Emmett was talking again. TALKING – like a halfway normal person again

He, Bella, Esme, and Jasper all looked up at once. And gasped.

Emmett was proudly sailing his ten pink butterfly kites, beaming.

"Alice…" Jasper began, "…why?"

"What did I do?" Alice asked, looking at them all from her kite-flying. She hadn't been paying attention at all.

"Where did Emmett get all those kites?"

"The _kite_ people gave them to me…" Emmett murmured meaningfully.

"Meaning that tourist family over there," Carlisle pointed out. Had he finished that book already? All of them looked towards the tackily dressed grandparents, parents, and children. The family waved.

"Old people are _nice_…" Emmett smiled.

"Too bad _they_ don't have any kites…" Esme sighed.

"Oh, they're fine. We gave them some potato salad," Alice assured.

"And you got potato salad from…?" Bella asked, in between telling Edward that she was fine.

"The _potato salad _people…" Alice and Emmett murmured together, paranoid.

Bella shook her head and glanced back at the water. "Oh, look at the waves coming in! Anybody up for swimming?"

"I don't know, Bella…" Edward said nervously, "those rip tides look pretty vicious."

"Oh, come on, Edward!" Carlisle wheedled, taking off his shirt, revealing moon-pale skin and a chest that was rather broad for an English man. He took off his pants ("AAHH!!" screamed Bella in her mind) and ran for the waves in his black trunks.

Bella idly wondered what would've happened if she had met the handsome doctor, or any of the other Cullen boys, before Edward.

Alice squealed excitedly and stripped down to her pink bikini, which immediately distracted Jasper from his laptop. She looked like a little kid as she ran energetically into the waves.

"How are the waves?" Esme asked her just as a wall of greenish-blue five times taller than little Alice loomed over her surrogate daughter.

"Alice…get away from that," Jasper called to her nervously.

"C'mon, Jasper, I'll be fine. It's not --!" The wave smashed into Alice, immersing her for a few seconds.

"ALICE!!" Bella and Jasper shouted, sure she was taken into the ocean, drowning.

"She's fine," Rosalie gestured to the shoreline, where the waves were retracting back into the ocean. Alice's stone-like vampire body stood right where it had been before the wave, only now she was soaking wet.

Alice gave them the thumbs up. "They're good!" she called in response to Esme's question as she spat a little fish out of her mouth. "Come on, Jazzy! It's not so bad once you get used to it!"

Jasper did indeed peel off his jeans and t-shirt, joining his wife in a pair of bright green Hawaiian-style trunks, much to the amusement of Edward and Emmett.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0


	2. Yelling Into the Glass

_Sorry for the delay. But now I have wireless connection on my laptop for my house – so everything's cool!! This chapter's really long…but it's really funny!! Contains a lot of inside jokes between me and Ame. () Enjoy!!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Stephenie Meyer does…_

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

After swimming, the family and Bella headed back to their private house.

"Hey… I haven't yelled out the window yet!" Alice realized, rushing to the patio that faced the beach. "HEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYY--"

"Alice, you're going to get the police called on us again." Jasper berated, clamping a hand over her mouth.

"I won't yell!" She promised, her voice muffled. Jasper released her and she went to the window again.

"YOU! YOU, DOWN THERE!!!"

"WHAT???" Someone actually responded.

"WAZZUP???"

"I DON'T KNOW! WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME??? WHO ARE YOU?"

"ALICE CULLEN!!! THIS IS JASPER!" she cried, pulling him by her side and wrapping an arm around his waist. "HE'S MY HUSBAND! SO BACK OFF! ISN'T HE ADOOOOORRRRABLE?!?!"

Jasper looked down at the random person and shook his head like he didn't know Alice and tried to pull away.

"OH YEAH! HE'S TOTALLY HOT!" the random person shouted.

Jasper hid his face.

"HUSBAND?" Miss Random shouted again. "BUT, UM, MISS ALICE, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE IN FOURTH GRADE!!!"

"Alice…" Jasper murmured as she fumed. "Calm down… you don't even know this person and…"

"STOP TALKING!!!" she yelled at him, and then turned back to the window. "DO YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS??? COME _GET_ SOME!" Alice screamed.

"NEVER MIND!" Jasper shouted frantically and shut the window. He turned to scold Alice, but to his horror, she was no longer by his side. He looked down and gasped. She had jumped out the window before he shut it. Now there was a major brawl on the beach involving Alice and Miss Random (an old lady that had tanned in the past – severely). There was already a crowd cheering them on.

"OH MY GOD!" Jasper shrieked. "ESME! ALICE IS FIGHTING AGAIN!!"

"Well, distract her before she kills somebody!" Esme called back to him.

Jasper quickly dug out some "coupons" and opened the window again. "ALICE! HONEY!"

Alice looked up from twisting the lady's legs around her throat. "YES?"

"I'VE GOT COUPONS FOR YOU! COME UP HERE AND GET 'EM!"

"…TO WHERE?"

"CLAIRE'S!!"

Alice immediately untangled herself from the old lady and ran back to the house.

"COOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She shouted, racing inside and stopping right in front of Jasper. "Coupon?"

"Ha-ha, sorry. We just wanted to stop you from killing that old lady."

"Yeah, 'cuz old ladies are nice…" Emmett said randomly.

"Jasper… why…why did you lie to me?" Alice asked him, using her super-cute face.

"Alice…"

"Why? Don't you love me?"

"Alice…" he hesitated. "I'll take you to Claire's, and you can buy everything you want!"

"Really, Jasper? Do you mean it?"

"Yes, my dearest," he mumbled.

"YOU'RE THE BEST!" she exclaimed, planting a sloppy kiss on his cheek.

"All right," Emmett said, "while you guys go shopping, I'm going to find that old lady and have a cup of TEA…"

With that, he strolled out the door, putting on his wide-brimmed hat.

"Emmett drinks tea?" Bella inquired.

"There's a lot you don't know about him." Esme told her. "He likes to hula, too."

"Weird."

"I know."

"No! Get away!! NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo….." Someone screamed outside the front door.

"Was that Carlisle?" Bella worried, "What's happening to him?"

"He's being attacked by all the women that were on vacation to get away from their husbands and had seen him. I'd better go get him…"

Esme stepped into the doorway and locked her gaze with Carlisle's. He clung to her for dear life and glared out at all the women.

"See? SEE!? I TOLD you I was married!" He hugged Esme passionately and locked her in a fierce kiss, catching her completely off guard.

When he was finished Esme was blushing and looked out at the crowd again. "I'm so very sorry," she managed to say, and quickly pushed Carlisle in the house before the crowd could begin to riot.

"Carlisle, what the heck was that for?!" Esme exclaimed as soon as the door was shut. "You know how I am about PDA!"

"PDA?" Carlisle repeated dumbly. "What's that?"

Bella looked up at him in surprise. "You don't know what PDA stands for?" she asked incredulously.

He shook his head.

"It stands for 'Public Display of Affection'!" Esme translated, "and you know that I don't like PDA unless I initiate it first!" She stomped off into the bedroom angrily. "GOD!"

"Esme! Darling!" Carlisle called in an agonized voice that made even Edward and Bella gag. He rushed in the bedroom as Alice and Jasper rejoined them all.

"Hey everybody! I'm back, did you miss us?" the littler one chirped.

"No," Edward replied flatly.

"Exactly," Jasper grinned.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"TEA TIME IS DONE!!" Emmett stepped in dramatically. "Where are Esme and Carlisle?"

"They…they left." Edward explained, cringing when the sound of a glass vase shattering in the couple's room.

"Sounds like they're getting it on…" Emmett grinned.

"I SWEAR, CARLISLE, SOMETIMES YOU'RE _SO_ IMMATURE!!" Esme's scream came through the closed door.

"But, Esme, I--"

"DON'T 'But, Esme' ME!!! I'M TIRED OF YOUR BEHAVING THIS WAY!!"

"Yes, ma'am…"

Carlisle stepped out of the room and mustered up a grin at the family who stood all around, watching and listening.

"She's so cute when she's mad…" he whispered, practically dancing ballet into the kitchen, where he began to make a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich for Bella.

"Carlisle, you're weird." Emmett commented.

"Looks like the pot calls the kettle black."

"What?"

"I said…"

"No, what does it mean? Is the pot racist?"

"…Never mind."

Bella giggled. "Who knew that I liked grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches?" she asked.

Carlisle grinned. "Nobody did," he admitted, "it's all I brought for you."

"Carlisle, we're staying for a week," Edward reminded him.

"Oh yeah, shoot. We'll have to go to the store." Carlisle shook his head as he cut the sandwich into two triangles.

"You only brought enough to make one sandwich?" Bella asked.

"…yep."

"Carlisle, why don't I go to the store? I think I'll know how much to get of what."

"NO!" Carlisle boomed, striding over to her, holding the sandwich-holding plate high above his head grandly. "I SHALL HELP YOU NOT STARVE…BY SHOPPING FOR YOU!"

With a flourish, he presented the sandwich to her, which she timidly took. "Thanks," she whispered.

"Just doing my job."

"But, we're on vacation…" Emmett murmured, again not understanding what his father had said.

"Carlisle, I think I'm just going with the girls to shop for food and stuff. Whenever you go outside, it seems like some woman'll chase you." the human girl said with a note of finality in her voice.

He shuddered. "They almost took my pants off… Okay, I'll stay here."

"Did someone say shopping?" Rose and Alice rushed in. "Let's go!" Alice knocked on Esme's door. "ESME!!! SHOPPING!!!! YEAH!!!"

Esme didn't respond. Alice tapped her foot impatiently.

"Esme! Esme! Esme! Esme! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Esme! Esme! Esme! Es—"

Esme opened the door with a rush, her eyes angry.

"WHAT?!?!??!?!" she shrieked.

Alice grinned. "Hi!" she began, "Let's go shopping for Bella's food!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


End file.
